I need to write something for me to get it out. I needed to say that just so that I can realize how selfish my lifestyle is. I have to say that to realize that if my life were to be separated from Jesus I would have nothing. If tangible and fortified plans were the method of measure I would have so much to say about the life horizon and nothing at all.
Yesterday was one of the most solid days in awhile. And i have nothing Physical to show for it except for a brand new computer. The lunch at NPR where I was told my work was admired has already digested. The DVDs dropped at National Geographic are sitting in the inbox of two senior producers who have common interests. The apple store traded in my computer for a new computer in which i lost 60 gb of videos but gained a working machine. An hour long conversation with a man in San Francisco who has the director of the Beijing Olympics on his board could yield a trip to Mongolia to shoot for 3 days and then in China to shoot for 5 days. An electronic voucher was issued to a website that gives me the ability to go anywhere in the world with a weeks notice for free. Ate dinner with a great filmmaker who is doing a lot for the field I work in. Another conversation I had for 1 hour 22 minutes while looking over the rivers connected by a valley out side my parents home at 12 last night was about dreams to make creative content for the good of humanity. These films would be with influential musicians and eventually the projects are going to be so numerous that I will be able to hire peers and friends to work. In that solid day, there was even so much more.
And all of this, which is a lot, is nothing to me in this moment. A new thought or feeling is in me stronger than before. I am empty with the thought of leaving my family. Back to my possibilities, not to be rude to the people I was with or who could hire me soon and not to be self degrading to further lower my low sense of self worth or even worse show ungratitude or unthankfulness towards God but, I just see all of everything that has happened to me and will happen to me in parallel lanes of thought. One one lane I look at all of what is to come is made only of conversations, data point typed, dreams and verbal purpose that exists in the air, in cyber space or on a calendar. The other lane goes much further than the first mentioned and has no record of wrong or of works but of faithfulness and love.
It is 11 pm. somewhere else. It is 12 here. Tomorrow somewhere else. But today here. My mom is writing in a chair next to mine. She wanted to become a photographer. I don’t know what I am but I photograph. I can hear her keyboard expressing her thoughts. The old clock from my grandma’s house, now removed and placed in ours, does what a non digital clock does which reminds me at the moment of childhood.
A time where center pinned hands don’t give the platform for schedule is when only a few will realize not how God works but that God works and has worked.
I praise the Lord for the work he has for me in my life that I get to show him when I reach his alter. I believe in that which is the only tangible and fortified plan I have in my life.
I just wish I wasn’t always leaving someone behind but then again, it is not for me to wish. I am to be obedient to Jesus Christ who lives in more of the world than we wish to give credit to because of doubt. Believe it doubters that all the good in the world is from God and is God whether we acknowledge that or not, whether I acknowledge that or not.